I've learned that true parenting is ugly. The moments when you are truly tested is when the real character of who you are as a parent comes out. It's not rainbows and glitter, as we already know. But it's definitely dirty and disgusting.
It's painful too. I have to admit. And a total mindfuck most times because, if you're like me you're always trying to find a balance of being what your child needs and being the version of a parent that you believe in.
Wires get crossed and sometimes, your eyes get crossed too - thinking clearly and seeing clearly completely goes out the window. When the dust settles, you're left hoping that you haven't damaged you child in anyway.
They are such fragile little beings.
I always tell myself that if I can assist my child in developing himself as an individual, as a person and not just a kid, then I am doing something right. I encourage my son to express himself. I encourage him to tell me what he's feeling and why. I encourage him to dig deep on those feelings and use them.
Tonight was nothing different. I learned, however, that I haven't been as sweet and tender with my child. Something switched in me recently and I stopped seeing him as my sweet little boy and started seeing him as a big boy, and I started treating him as such.
He's only 5 and now, without recognizing it, I have not been as present in his little life as I should have been. I've been doing a ton of yelling, but not enough listening. I've done a ton of dictation but not enough explaining. A ton of patience, but not enough understanding.
It's time for a shift. I forgive myself and I know he will, too. We just have to be good to each other because all we have is each other. And believe it or not, even in the bad times, I'm lucky to have him.